I have made no secret of the fact that I watch a lot of bad reality tv. This means the Real Housewives of _______________. Fill in any city in the country … except Atlanta, sorry ladies, I just can’t do it. I always feel bad about watching so much crap on tv, but I have decided I should cast the Catholic guilt aside. These housewives are educational! A lot of life lessons are coming. Mind, prepare to be blown.
Image from Perez Hilton, duh.
The most important nuggets of gold I’ve received from the Housewives:
1. Hair extensions make people love you. It gives the other bitches something to rip out when you’re in a cat fight. They will appreciate that and you’ll probably become friends later. Till they stab you in the back. Again. Really, this time you should have seen it coming.
2. If you’re THAT worried about staying “young” (i.e. starving yourself, only intaking vodka, and pumping your face full of every injectible on the market, regular or black) because if you don’t, your rich ugly husband will cheat on you, it’s too late, he probably already is. With someone else on your reality show. But the season hasn’t aired yet, so you don’t yet know. He’s currently hiding his assets in offshore accounts in the Cayman Islands.
3. The people that act like they have the most money have the least. In fact, they’re probably bankrupt. This is Real Talk. Bentley = bankrupt. This is why I drive a 10-year-old Nissan Pathfinder. To show people how rich I am.
4. If you think you’re going to host a big beautiful party, and you don’t think there will be crying, screaming, a hoo-ha showing, or some ripped out hair extensions… you’ve got another thing comin’.
5. Please don’t marry for money, honey. He’s going to leave you for someone younger, again, probably your cast mate. Then you’ll just be stuck with all those whiny brats that you forced out in a desperate attempt to tie him down. And when you get divorced, you won’t be able to afford your requisite four nannies (see above re: Cayman Islands) on the income from your new jewelry/shoe/clothes/hair extension line that you think will be successful because you’re on tv. Then, you become a commoner. Unless you can revive your career on Dancing/Cooking/Cleaning with the Stars.
6. Lip injections/implants do not look natural. Ever.
7. If you think that announcing some disease/drug and alcohol addiction/spousal abuse on tv will make people sympathize with you and love you more, it won’t. People will think you’re lying. Or trying to be famous. Then whiny. No one will want to invite you to their party and they certainly won’t want to buy your line of hair extensions. This is counter-intuitive. But, again, Real Talk.
8. When Andy Cohen has you on his show, he’s mocking you. You just don’t know it. You probably never will.
9. AND 10. Most importantly, I’ve learned that in comparison, I’m the classiest b*word out there.